Why Setting Boundaries in Relationships is Important and How to Do It

Relationships are a big part of life in your 20s and 30s. You're dealing with family expectations, maintaining old friendships and making new ones while also finding out what you want from dating or long-term relationships. Setting boundaries in relationships is a skill to support your well being when so many people are pulling on your time and energy.

Setting boundaries does not mean shutting others out or being "difficult." It’s about nurturing healthy relationships with the people you care about. Boundaries are how you keep your time, energy, and mental health safe so you can be completely present in your relationships, whether you’re with your family members, your closest friend, or your partner.

What Boundaries Really Are

A boundary is just a simple way to say what you will and won't do or, how you expect to be treated. It's not about telling others what to do; it's about letting them know what you need. For example:

To family: "Thanks for your advice, but I want to make this choice on my own."

With friends: "I have to leave by 10 p.m. tonight because I have to get up early tomorrow for work."

With a partner: "I love spending time with you, but I need one night a week to recharge on my own."

There are emotional, physical, and practical boundaries, and they are distinct in every relationship. The one thing these types of boundaries have in common is that they allow you to enjoy your relationships without feeling depleted or resentful.

Types of boundaries you might need

There are many kinds of boundaries, and knowing what they are will help you figure out what you need in different situations and with different people. Here are some that people often use:

Time boundaries: Keeping your time safe so you don't become burned out. This could include saying “no” to plans when you're tired or making time for yourself even when others are looking for your time and attention.

Space boundaries: Everyone has a different comfort level with their physical or emotional space. You might need some time to yourself after work, or you might not like it when someone stops by your home or apartment without warning.

Emotional boundaries: These types of boundaries help you to separate your feelings from someone else’s so that you can be there for a friend without taking on all of their stress or other strong emotions. It might also mean that you do not accept blame for someone else’s feelings.

Digital boundaries: Digital limits are important too. With all the texting, social media, and group chats going on, you might tell your friends that you cannot answer messages after 10 p.m. or it might be digital limits that you set for yourself such as no screen time after 10 pm so that you can get a good night’s rest.

Limits on how you are treated: This could involve saying something if someone talks down to you or telling a loved one that jokes about certain things are not funny or acceptable to you.

The more you practice creating these kinds of limits, the easier it will become and the stronger your relationships will be.

Why Setting Boundaries Makes Relationships Stronger

Without boundaries, relationships can wear you down. You might let a friend talk for hours about a breakup even though you are tired and feel as though you can’t listen anymore. Or maybe you don't want to offend your family, so you avoid telling them that certain topic of conversation is off-limits for you. These disappointments can grow into resentment over time.

But, when you learn to set boundaries in a relationship, you provide people with a guidebook on how to treat you with respect and care. And, they don't have to guess what you need. This way, you have the energy to stay engaged instead of burning out. Boundaries don't hurt relationships; they ensure that they remain healthy and supportive.

How to Start Setting Limits in Your Relationships

It's normal for something new to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Here are some things you can do to get started:

1. Check in with yourself. Pay attention to when and where you feel tired, stressed, or uneasy. Those sentiments usually mean that something is off, and you need to set a limit.

2. Say "I" instead of “you”. For example, instead of stating, "you're smothering me," try saying, "I need some space to decompress". Keeping the talk calm means that you’re focusing on your needs while also being respectful of the other person.

3. Start small. Pick one situation for practice. It could be telling a friend you can't hang out this weekend if you don’t feel like it or telling a sibling you don't want to debate politics at dinner.

4. Be consistent. If you only enforce your boundaries sometimes (like in the case of not answering text messages after 10 pm), they don't stick, and it becomes confusing for other people.

5. Be open to conversation. Boundaries are not about having power; they are about finding a middle ground. Be willing to talk about them and make changes as needed so that your relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. Let the other person know the reason in a respectful and loving manner. For most people when they understand the reasoning behind a boundary, they are more than happy to honour it.

When it's hard to keep your boundaries

People often worry that putting limits will make them look selfish and hurt others. But respect for each other is what makes a relationship healthy. If a friend, family member, or spouse keeps ignoring your limits, that's a red flag that you should pay attention to.

And this is where therapy can help. It can be hard to start establishing limits if you grew up in an environment where boundaries were never set or respected. A therapist can help you figure out what your limits are, how to say "no," and deal with the guilt or fear that sometimes comes along with saying "no."

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries in a relationship simply means that you care enough about yourself and the relationship to keep it safe and mutually supportive. When you know what you need, you make room for connections that are more genuine. If you would like to figure out what limits look like for you with family, friends, or partners, our therapists would be happy to help. Reach out for a complimentary consultation to learn more.