How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Family During the Holidays (Without Feeling Like the Bad Guy)
Therapist-Backed Guidance From
Wild Sage Therapy
Online Therapy in Richmond Hill and Across Ontario
The holidays can bring warmth, connection, nostalgia… and also pressure, complicated family dynamics, and expectations that feel heavier than the snow outside.
For many people, December isn’t just about celebrations. It’s a time when old patterns resurface, roles get pulled out of storage, and the pressure to “keep everyone happy” starts to chip away at your well-being. If you’ve ever felt drained, anxious, or overwhelmed this time of year, you’re definitely not alone!
So, what are boundaries?
Boundaries are the personal limits you set to protect your feelings, needs, and well-being in relationships. They mean honouring yourself so you can show up in a way that feels grounded, intentional, safe, and authentic.
At Wild Sage Therapy, we talk about boundaries a lot (especially during the holidays!) because this season tends to magnify anything we’ve been avoiding, accommodating, or quietly carrying for awhile.
So let’s slow down together and explore what healthy boundaries can look like this month, and how you can set them without feeling as guilty or selfish.
Why the Holidays Make Boundaries Harder
Even if you’ve been working on boundaries all year, something about December can pull you back into old versions of yourself.
You might notice:
Feeling like you have to say yes because it’s “the holidays”
Pressure to participate in traditions that no longer feel good
Family expectations that don’t match your capacity
Old roles resurfacing (the caretaker, the therapist friend, the mediator, the “easy one”)
Guilt when you consider saying no or taking space
This is your nervous system's way of remembering familiar patterns (patterns that were often formed long before you had language for things like boundaries, emotional labour, or burnout).
What a Boundary Actually Is
A boundary isn't a wall, but a line that protects your time, energy, values, and emotional well-being.
It sounds like:
“I won’t be able to stay the whole time.”
“I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
“I can’t say yes to everything this year.”
“I need some space after the gathering.”
Boundaries don't have to be confrontational or come with an apology.
1. Get Honest About Your Capacity (Before the Invitations Start)
Before you decide what you’ll attend or agree to, pause and check in with yourself:
How much social energy do I actually have right now?
What kind of interactions feel nourishing? What feels draining?
What do I want this month to feel like?
What is actually too much for me?
Your capacity is information, not a moral judgment!
If your body is already tired (emotionally or physically) you don’t owe December a performance.
2. Start With Small Boundaries (They Count Too)
Not all boundaries require a big conversation. Some are small, subtle shifts:
Leaving earlier than usual
Taking breaks in another room
Limiting how long you stay at each gathering
Bringing your own car so you aren’t stuck
Not engaging in certain conversations
Not responding to messages right away
Micro-boundaries are still boundaries. And for many people, they’re the easiest (and most sustainable) place to begin.
3. Prepare Gentle Scripts That Feel Like You
Boundaries don’t have to sound stern or harsh. You can stay kind while still being clear.
Here are some examples:
“Thanks for the invite, but I’ll need to keep it a shorter visit this year.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about that topic, can we shift the conversation?”
“I love seeing everyone, but I need some downtime afterward, so I’ll head out early.”
“I won’t be able to attend this year, but I hope you have a wonderful time.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what I can do.”
4. Accept That Some People Won’t Love Your Boundary
Not everyone will respond well. And that's okay!
Some people are used to you saying yes. Some benefit (consciously or unconsciously) from you having loose boundaries. And some simply don’t know how to handle emotional shifts.
Their reaction doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. You can’t control how others feel, but you can control how you care for yourself during the discomfort.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Step Away or Opt Out
One of the biggest acts of self-compassion during the holidays is allowing yourself to choose what’s right for you.
Maybe that’s:
having a quiet morning instead of rushing
skipping certain gatherings
doing a shorter drop-in visit
choosing who you spend time with (and who you don’t)
creating new rituals that feel emotionally safe
spending the day in peace rather than forcing connection
There is no “right” way to do December.
Your holiday experience doesn’t have to match anyone else’s expectations.
6. Your Boundaries Don’t Make You Selfish
If anything, they make you honest. So, if you’re scared of being “the difficult one” or the “disappointing one,” please hear this:
Healthy boundaries actually improve relationships.
They reduce resentment.
They create space for genuine connection.
They let people know the real you, and not the overextended version.
And most importantly, they protect your mental health, which matters just as much this time of year as any other.
If You Need Support Navigating Family and Boundaries, You’re Not Alone
The holidays can stir up old triggers, emotional exhaustion, or complicated family dynamics. You don’t have to carry that alone.
Therapy can give you a safe space to figure out:
What boundaries you actually need
How to communicate them
Why guilt shows up
How to regulate your nervous system when things get overwhelming
How to care for yourself during a season that demands a lot
If this month feels heavy, complicated, or emotionally messy, we’re here to help. Wild Sage Therapy offers online counselling for individuals in Richmond Hill and across Ontario, and you’re welcome to schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists whenever you’re ready.