Are We Growing Apart or Growing Together?

Valentine’s Day has a funny way of making us reflect on our relationship.

Even if we roll our eyes at it, or say we don’t care (and secretly do).

Something about this time of year makes people take inventory.

Are we still close?
Do we feel the same?
Is this just a rough patch… or are we slowly drifting apart?

If you’ve had that thought recently, you’re not alone.

A lot of couples feel shifts in their relationship over time. The intensity softens. Life gets busy. Conversations get more practical. You’re managing work, kids, stress, family, health, housework… it’s different than it was at the beginning. And “different” can feel unsettling.

When It Starts to Feel Off

Most couples don’t wake up one day in crisis. It’s usually starts smaller than that.

Maybe you stop sharing as much, or you feel misunderstood more quickly. Or maybe it feels harder to bring up certain topics, or you just miss how easy things used to feel.

Sometimes one person feels it first. Sometimes both do, but neither says it out loud. And that silence is what can start to create distance.

Here’s the thing though: feeling disconnected doesn’t automatically mean you’re growing apart in some permanent, irreversible way.

It sometimes means something has shifted internally, relationally, or circumstantially, and the relationship hasn’t caught up yet.

People change. Needs change. Stress levels change. Bodies change. Identities change.

Relationships change sometimes, too!

Growth Isn’t Always Romantic

We tend to associate “growing together” with feeling closer, more aligned, or more in sync. But real growth in long-term relationships can actually feel uncomfortable.

It can look like:

• More honest conversations

• More conflict as you both speak up more

• Realizing you want different things than you did five years ago

• Outgrowing certain dynamics that used to “work”

Sometimes growth can actually feel like friction before it feels like closeness. Sometimes it feels scary.

The difference isn’t whether there’s tension. Every relationship has tension sometimes. The difference is whether you’re both willing to turn toward it.

Are you still trying to understand each other?
Are you still open to being known?
Are you both willing to say, “Something feels off. Can we talk about it?”

That willingness matters more than how connected you feel on any given day.

Valentine’s Day Can Magnify Everything

When the world is full of curated love stories, romcoms and perfect dinners, it’s easy to interpret normal relationship transitions as red flags.

You might think:

“We don’t feel like that anymore. Maybe something’s wrong.”

But sustainable love doesn’t always feel intense or cinematic. Sometimes it feels steady, safe, and quiet. Sometimes it feels like two people doing their best while tired.

If Valentine’s Day brings up doubt, it might mean you’re noticing something that needs attention, and that’s okay. Noticing is the first step to reconnecting.

So… Are We Growing Apart?

There isn’t a single checklist that answers that question, of course.

But here’s a gentler one:

When things feel off, do we avoid it… or do we eventually circle back and try?

Do we still care about how the other person feels?
Do we still want this to work?
Are we willing to learn new ways of relating if the old ones aren’t working anymore?

Growing apart happens when distance becomes the norm and neither person feels able or willing to bridge it.

Growing together happens when you decide (even imperfectly) to face the hard parts instead of letting them harden. And that decision doesn’t have to be made alone.

When It’s Time for Extra Support

Couples therapy isn’t just for relationships on the brink. It’s for couples who feel that quiet “something’s shifted” feeling and don’t want to ignore it. It’s for partners who love each other but keep missing each other. It’s for relationships in transition.

If you’re asking yourself whether you’re growing apart or just growing, that’s actually a really hopeful sign. It means you care.

This Valentine’s Day, instead of asking whether your relationship is perfect, you might ask:

“Are we willing to keep learning each other?”

Sometimes having a therapist in the room makes that learning feel safer, clearer, and more productive.

At Wild Sage Therapy, we work with couples across Ontario, including Richmond Hill, who want help finding their way back to each other. We offer virtual couples therapy sessions across Ontario, so you can access support from wherever you’re located.

Reach out today and book a complimentary consultation to get started on your journey.

Remember This Weekend

Growth doesn’t have to mean drifting.

Sometimes it just means you need a new map.