What Anxious Attachment Looks Like as an Adult and How to Start Healing It
If you've ever been in a relationship and felt your stomach drop when the other person didn't text you back right away, you might have thought you were being too sensitive or were overreacting. But anxious attachment isn’t about being dramatic or over the top. Instead, it's about old emotional patterns that you bring into relationships that cause you to react in an uncomfortable way.
As an adult, anxious attachment can make relationships harder than they need to be. You might believe that your partner is pulling away from you for no reason at all. Or you might read too much into the tone of a message or play a conversation over and over in your head to see if you said something wrong. You might even find yourself trying to be a perfect partner so that the other person won’t ever find a reason to leave. It's exhausting to live this way and it doesn’t build a healthy long-term relationship. But it's not your fault.
Your learned these patterns as a way to cope a long time ago, usually from times when love or support was lacking. Even if your parents or caregivers were loving at times, the way you connect with people today may be the result of unpredictability you experienced as a child. Essentially, your brain builds an alarm system that goes off at the first sign of someone pulling away. As an adult, you have to deal with that alarm bell while also trying to date, work, pay your rent, maintain friendships, and remember to buy toilet paper.
How Anxious Attachment Affects Dating and Relationships in Your 20s and 30s
Dating in your 20s and 30s is already hard enough, but anxious attachment makes it even harder. It can make you feel like every relationship is a test you are going to fail. You might notice that dating someone new feels exciting one minute and scary the next. When someone shows interest, you get excited, but as soon as they stop talking or want time to themselves, your brain tells you that everything is falling apart.
This can happen in long-term relationships as well. Even when things are going well, you might worry that you're too much, not enough, or doing something wrong. You might take it personally if your partner has a bad day or is grumpy, even though you know it has nothing to do with you. Your emotional system is set up to look for danger where there isn't any.
And yes, it can be embarrassing to feel this way as an adult who is supposed to have their shit together. But a lot of people have anxious attachment. The issue is that most people don't talk about it, so it seems like you are alone in feeling this way. This might cause you to think that there is something wrong with you but there isn’t. You’re just coping the best you can.
What it Looks Like to Heal from Anxious Attachment
Healing from anxious attachment doesn't mean becoming someone who is always chill and confident. Instead, healing means you learn to trust yourself, are able to calm down when you begin feeling anxious and build relationships that feel comfortable.
It often starts with becoming aware of your patterns and learning how to regulate your nervous system. So that, if you start to freak out because the person your dating hasn’t texted you back yet, you can slow down and identify the real reason for your anxiety. Most of the time, it has to do with the fear of being rejected or abandoned. When you know what is causing you to feel anxious, you can deal with the root cause and let go of the panic.
Therapy can help you learn how to manage your emotions, communicate better in relationships, and set healthier boundaries. Speaking with someone who knows about attachment anxiety can help you figure out where these patterns came from and what you can do to feel safer in your relationships. Over time, you can become more grounded which will make dating and relationships feel less like a rollercoaster and more like something you can enjoy.
You Can Make Your Relationships More Fun and Enjoyable
It takes time to heal anxious attachment. You need to be patient and be willing to look at the parts of yourself that have been trying to keep you safe for years. The rewards from doing the work are huge. Relationships start to feel more stable when you start to trust yourself more.
You stop looking for approval and start picking people who are there for you consistently. You start to feel less scared of losing people and more certain that you can handle anything that comes your way.
If you're tired of feeling stuck in the same emotional patterns, therapy can be a great way to start changing them. Set up a free consultation with one of our therapists at Wild Sage Therapy today.