I Thought I’d Be Married By Now… When Life Doesn't Go as Planned

If you’ve ever had the thought “I Thought I’d Be Married By Now” you are not alone and today, we are talking about what to do when life doesn’t go as planned. You probably had a general idea of how your life would turn out at some point. You might have thought that by the time you were in your late 20s or early 30s, you would be in a long-term relationship, engaged, or even married. It seemed like a natural progression from school to job to partner to wedding and done.

But it didn’t happen that way for you.  Friends are getting engaged, married, or starting families, and you are left wondering, “What the fuck?  Why not me?” It can be hard when it seems like everyone else is reaching all the milestones.  And that might leave you feeling uneasy thinking that you might have missed out even if everything else in your life is going well.  And that unease can get worse the more you see it happening for other people.

The Stress That Comes From Making Comparisons

It's hard not to make comparisons. You see engagement & wedding photos, baby announcements, and all the new home posts when you scroll through social media. And even though you’re happy for them, it can still hurt.

When you compare yourself to someone else, it can make their success feel like a failure for you. And it might send you into a tailspin if you start asking all the questions.  Why hasn't it happened for me yet? What’s wrong with me?   

Over time, this way of thinking can make you less sure of yourself. It can make you question your past relationships, your choices, and even your value. And if you've been in relationships that didn't work out, it can feel like you have more proof that something is wrong.

But the truth is that there is nothing wrong with you and you are not behind. Even though it might not feel that way right now.  You are just on a different path but one that will lead to the same destination if that’s what you want.

What This Feeling Is Really About

When you feel like you’re missing out, it's usually about more than just getting married. It usually has more to do with deeper things like wanting stability, connection, and a sense of certainty about the future. And your brain just happened to latch onto marriage as the means to that end.

But that focus on marriage can make you worry about the passing of time which only adds to the pressure and can make dating that much harder.  It can start to feel like every date is a test for marriage instead of getting to know someone.   And, let’s be honest, when you approach dating this way, it takes all the fun out of it.

So instead, focus on building connections with others while having fun.  And also take this opportunity to strengthen your connection with yourself. 

Changing What It All Means

It may seem like there is a universal timeline that you should follow, but there isn't. You can't rush a healthy relationship. It takes time, self-awareness, and also a little trial and error. Every dating experience changes how you see yourself, what you want, and don’t want. That is not time wasted. It’s an investment.

And, it can be helpful to change your focus from where you think you should be in life to how you really want your life to be. Not the one that meets society’s standards, but the one that feels right for you. That could mean dating with the intention of finding someone who is compatible and shares the same values or, it could mean taking a break and putting yourself first. It could even mean completely changing your idea of what a partnership looks like for you.

You Still Have Time

You might feel like time is running out, but that isn't true. Your brain is telling you a story based on what you see around you. The quality of the relationship you are building is more important than the timing.

If you rush into something just to keep up with everyone, you might make choices that don't make you happy in the long run.  And, if all of this has been bothering you, therapy can help you deal with these feelings.

You can look into where this stress is coming from, how it's affecting your self-esteem, and what kind of relationship you really want in the future.   You deserve a relationship that feels authentic, safe, fun and long term. Not one that is there to meet a marriage deadline.

If you feel that you need support, reach out to Wild Sage Therapy today to set up a free consultation.